ralph macho's classic game reviews (1 Viewer)

Ralph Macho

scrape, scrape, strain
ralph macho's classic game reviews

so, people, we’ll kick this off with the super nintendo classic, “the lost vikings ii”. i have to admit, i’ve never played—or for that matter, even heard of—lost vikings i, so i anticipate some confusion as far as the story is concerned, but that’s okay. this is only super nintendo for fuck’s sake

yeah so anyway the title screen shows all these vikings and a couple of monsters and shit (didn’t know they had monsters back then, but w/e)

once you press start it starts to tell you about how tomato and loaf and blog are doing all this viking shit apparently but i have to tell you that i don’t have any sort of patience for this sort of shit so i hit start a bunch of times until it stopped and finally let me start playing the game

jesus fucking christ what the fuck. what is this game about? what the fuck are you supposed to do? keep in mind i don’t have the instruction manual for this game. even if i did, there’s a 100% chance that i'm not looking at it. i walked back and forth a few times hitting all the buttons on my controller but nothing happened and i couldn’t move past the boiling pot or whatever the fuck it was

thankfully, somehow, i hit the right button and ended up with the screen you see just above. i happily clicked on ‘yes’ and never looked back

time spent playing: 2 minutes
time wasted: 2 minutes
graphics: okay i guess
sound: had that shit turned way down so iono
gameplay: didn’t encounter anything i would call "gameplay" so i can't really say

overall: lol

Ralph Macho

scrape, scrape, strain
would somebody please post a jester emote in response to tb's post? maybe that will satisfy him hell i don't even know anymore


totally shitposter, with Dunning–Kruger effect
more from Sega or Nintendo pls..my fav consoles..and gameboy too

Ralph Macho

scrape, scrape, strain
well today's game is "laser gates" for the atari 2600. this game has pretty good graphics as far as atari 2600 standards go. the only real flaw here is that your energy meters and score and shit take up two-thirds of the fucking screen.

that problem aside, it seemed like this was actually a pretty decent game as far as atari 2600 standards go. you basically control this ship (sorta like in defender) and you basically shoot stuff while trying to not get hit. sounds simple, and in general, it is, but without the instructions i don't really know what some of the things on the screen are, and whether or not they are friend or foe. naturally, i'm not going to read the instructions, even though i could get them online in like 20 seconds

lastly, i'd like to point out that there are two types of games that there are way too many of. one, of course, is the mortal kombat clone. the other is the side-scroller/shooter.

if this game were on the c-64 for example, i'd be shooting it down (haha pun) because there are no fewer than 3500 of these side-shooter games for the c-64 and every single last one of them sucks except for choplifter. i'm giving this one a break though because it's okay as far as atari 2600 standards go
River City Ransom Review from Kalamnity

What is this game? West Side story? Stand by me? Rumblefish? GAY.

I was gonna play this game, but the cover of it convinced me that it would be a waste of my time. I hate musicals.

fuck this game.

-5 stars


These are great days we're living, bros
Ralph Macho;26030 said:

It's amazing how now days people complain about the physics of a rock bouncing off a talking dinosaurs head being wrong when back then we had what pretty much looks like the TV test pattern when SBS closed at midnight. And it was thrilling.

Ralph Macho

scrape, scrape, strain
thanks p4airs that's just great

anyway, okay, so in my last review i mentioned that there are way too many mortal kombat clones and sidescrollers and there certainly are. what i neglected to mention is that there are way too fucking many text "adventure" games. jesus fucking christ i can write a game like this myself in a couple of hours

this game is called "king tut's tomb" and it's on the c-64. whoa, what a surprise, you start off outside a pyramid. that sets the tone wonderfully: king tut -- pyramid. ah sweet!

if you're going to write a game like this, at least make it interesting. every single one of these games starts out with you outside some structure (the type of which will depend on the theme of the "adventure") with a torch and a book of matches lying on the ground. seriously people. if you're going to write an adventure game, write one like this:

you wake up naked from the waist down on a bus crowded with people. there are exits at the front and back of the bus.
*there is a dildo here
what should i do now?

Ralph Macho

scrape, scrape, strain
so anyway, today's game is called "ecco the dolphin" for the sega master system.

aside from the ridiculously annoying music, this game seemed like it could be pretty cool. basically, you control this dolphin and you can swim around in the ocean and in caves and you can do flips out of the water and all that nifty shit

the only real problem i had with this game aside from the terrible music (i had to shut that shit off!) was i didn't have a single fucking clue what i was supposed to do.

swimming around and doing flips is nice for a bit, but i'm almost certain there was a purpose in the game above and beyond that. there were these crystal things and the game told you to find a key but i kept getting hurt by these robot-looking things and i just gave up because i'm impatient like that

the graphics were pretty good and the control of the fish or whale or whatever the fuck was pretty cool but i can't say much more about this game beyond that

edit: i just want to add something here. seriously, what the fuck was going through these game programmers' minds with this fucking music? almost none of the games in those days had any decent music. why put music in the game at all if it's just going to be annoying shit? why?


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The music for the Atari 2600 Frogger would stick in your head more than any other game music of it's time, as I remember. Very repetitive and catchy, and you could make up songs about people to it.

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