Vandal80
Graffiti, Gilfs, Ganja
Up until 24 hours ago, I was planning on committing suicide. I suffer from depression and PTSD. I was sexually abused by an older girl when I was around 4/5, until I was 10. Of which she was 18 by then. She was my babysitter. When I was 10, my dad moved us from the Northeast of the UK, South Shields, to the countryside of the Midlands. Although the sex abuse stopped, I was an easy target for dickheads bullies, as I looked different, sounded different and was always up for a scrap to defend myself. I dropped quite a few but their friends don't like that, so before you know it, you're fighting 3 or 4. Eventually I got left alone. Until I went through high school, got bullied to fuck there. Changed school and got relentlessly bullied there. I first tried suicide at 12 by hanging myself in school. Luckily there was a 1st year kid who seen what I was doing and got a teacher to get me down. I was already hanging. I had 2 kids from my class sitting either side to me, punching me in the face. Teacher was doing fuck all. So I asked for the toilet and thought fuck it... Even the nextdoor neighbour had serious issues with my family for being Northerns. He classed us as outsiders and that punishable by death, in his head. So, he tried to kill us all with an axe one night in 1996. His wife used to drive a car full of bullying bastard's, nasty cunts basically, to the school gates every day waiting for me to get out of school. Every day I had to find a new way home. I probably ran my mouth a couple of times in anger, but nothing to the extent where 5 people on 1 is justified. Unless it's a nonce getting kicked to fuck. Anyway I got through school with just 1 friend. At least I had 1. I went through my teenage years depressed as I was missing my abuser. She was, in my mind, my girlfriend. I had a couple of girlfriends, but it never worked as I felt a cringe with them after a few months. I was missing the touch of an older woman than myself. I was drinking heavily and taking lots of drugs through my late teens to mid 20's. One day, 16 year ago, I decided to track down my abuser from all those years ago. Her parents were friends of mine, so when I did manage to track down her father, he remembered me. So I asked for his daughter's number. He gave me it no problem. When I contacted her, she denied knowing me, and definitely hadn't babysat me. I was blown away, as I remember everything, and to hear I didn't exist, then why did her dad give me her number. She hung up and refused to answer my calls after that. The following day I had a message from her husband that I wasn't to contact her anymore. I explained this to a friend the next day and she explained it to me, that she was my abuser. I hadn't realised up until that point she wasn't my girlfriend. I never abused anyone nor felt that way towards younger girls, so I couldn't see that she was an abuser. Obviously I can now. 16 years ago I was drinking myself to death coming to terms with what I realised about my life and how the actions of one has affected everything I do all these years later. I started a relationship with my mates mum, 16 years older than me, and a heavy drinker. She loved it up her and she was a Milf too. She spent the next year fucking with my head, cheating on me etc. I couldn't stop going back because she went like a human rabbit. One day I woke up in hospital with no memory and my face all smashed up. A big "Nil by mouth" sign above my bed. 8 days I spent in there. Came out with 4 plates and 12 pins of titanium holding my lower jaw together. 95% nerve damage to my gums and lower face. Numb as fuck. Long story short, I was out drinking with a friend who I had known a very long time. I had no idea that he'd been running his mouth about how he was going to kick fuck out of a very hard cunt in the city we lived near. Well, that other hard cunt was not sitting down at the table next to ours anymore. He was offering my "friend" out for a 1 on 1 scrap across the carpark. Apparently my so called friend asked me to help him out, to which I refused to get involved. I got up and tried to keep out of it. Both fellas were big cunts, sort it out, 1 on 1... No, I woke up from a near death sucker punch that shattered my face, and took my memory. The cunt who did it, ran away so there wasn't a fight. I had my life changed instantly over NOTHING. Nothing that had anything to do with me and nothing that I wanted to get involved in. The prick done 2 years for GBH, but I've got a life sentence with a glass jaw. I've not long got out of an almost 4 year relationship with another one of my friends mum's, who is not only a Gilf, but a fucking psychopath as well. It's been a hell of a rough ride of mental health misery with her and her severe OCD, Personality disorder, antisocial disorder and drug addiction. She got severe impatience like you wouldn't believe, she could be asking me to do something, but before she's even finished telling me what it is, she's doing it herself and I'm in the firing line for being slow. Many many minefields I have found myself in for absolutely no reason whatsofuckingever... She's broken up me for good saying that I cheated on her 2 years ago. We were broke up and I briefly got with another woman. No sex. My ex took me back, I even proposed twice and she accepted twice. We had an argument in May, I was drunk. She threw a large paperweight rock from her bedroom window and hit me in the knee. I pretended to throw it back at her, without doing so, and according to that, it makes me violent and dangerous. I threw the rock at her front door and bust the window. I paid the £235 for the door, but it won't change anything. I've looked into the affects of CSA in adult survivor's such as myself. It says things like "Trauma Bonds", basically I'll seek a partner who if in any way is abusive, I'll find it near enough impossible to let go of. My ex broke up with me in May. I still love her and miss her. I guess because I miss her breaking up with me constantly and giving me shit over nothing. It also says that, even if survivors such as myself find a nice healthy and stable relationship, we will destroy it. I feel like this is my life, as it's all I've ever known. I gave all that time to her and her dogs, knowing I had my dog at home. She's cut me off for good over nothing, yet again. Nothing. Which reminds me, that's what my dad sees me as, nothing. I'm a failure to him. I always will be. He told me in so many words the other night. I asked him if he could give me any support for my mental health, and his answer was... "What support can I give you"? "I don't want to know about your problems"... It's my late mother's memory on NYE, but we switched off her life support on the 01/01/2019. I miss my mam very much, she was my best friend. I've lost 7 friends this year. Suicide and cancer. Last year similar numbers. I don't have many friends left whom I am close too. I've given almost 4 years building a life and it's not even mine anymore. What's keeping me going is my dog. He's the closest I've had to my own child. Although he's an old boy now. I'm going to miss my ex's dogs too. I was quite ready to die this year. I was going to do it on my mother's memory. I think I'll give it a miss for now. Life doesn't seem as bad as it does sometimes. Besides sharing a part of my life story here, has made things look a lot less to worry about right now. Luckily I still have graffiti to keep me going. It's the only thing I'm good at. I'm going to try to start a business doing commissions. I've got 4 in the pipeline for next year...
